


Sleepless Nights

by thegalrahobbitofplantetgalilfrey



Series: Breathe [5]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Big Brother Shiro (Voltron), Gen, Hallucinations, Lack of Sleep, Nightmares, PTSD, mild Self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-25 11:24:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19744741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegalrahobbitofplantetgalilfrey/pseuds/thegalrahobbitofplantetgalilfrey
Summary: Keith's having nightmares about things he doesn't remember, things that wake him up in the middle of the night screaming.Why on Earth would he ask for help?Warning: This is heavily reliant on my last work, Toxic Friendship, do read that first if you haven't already.





	1. Rupture

Keith stared at the ceiling, wishing he could go to sleep, but knowing that he wouldn’t be able to. He was too wired from training—exhausted and worn out but still pumped with adrenaline from fighting the gladiator.

Keith slipped out of bed and out the door, padding to the bridge. The sky was filled with countless glittering stars. It suddenly occurred to Keith that each of those stars meant a solar system, and each solar system probably included a planet or two that needed rescuing from the Galra.

That was a lot of rescuing to do, and only seven people to do it.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Shiro’s boots thumped softly up behind him. “Neither could I.” Shiro took in a deep breath as he came up next to Keith. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it? It’s one of the reasons I loved going up into space. Just… this.”

“Yeah.”

“Come with me, Keith, there’s something I want to show you.”

Keith followed Shiro through the halls of the Castle. The lights seemed to be getting dimmer, but he wasn’t sure why, and Shiro seemed to be getting a little shorter and thinner.

A door opened, and Keith walked through, wincing as a blinding light came on. When his eyes adjusted, he saw a table with restraints on it, and next to it… surgical tools.

Keith whirled around as the door slammed shut, but it was Sanda behind him, not Shiro, and she was holding her stick.

“Hold still,” she hissed, and then suddenly, the table burst into flames, and they spread, spread fast, crackling over every surface, and Sanda was gone, but Shiro was there, watching Keith burn, and Keith was strapped to the table, even though he didn’t remember getting there.

“Shiro! Help!”

Shiro just looked at him. “The fire’s not real, Keith,” he whispered in a voice that was Shiro’s voice but at the same time not, a haunted sound that echoed around Keith, and Shiro was standing there, watching while Keith burned—

Keith snapped awake in his bed with a yell, clutching his chest and breathing heavily. He looked down at his hands and arms, staring at the burn scars on them, and flames danced in his vision.

Keith slipped on his jacket and his gloves, hiding the burns from sight, and he let out a sigh of relief. His fingers went instinctively to his stomach, fingering the raised lines that a surgical knife had left behind.

Keith shook himself, walking out his door to the training deck with his bayard. “Initiate training sequence, level five.”

A gladiator bot dropped from the ceiling, and Keith got in a ready position, eying the bot to see what it would do first. It ran at him, swinging its staff down at his head. Keith fluidly whirled to the side, slicing his bayard through its chest. It dissolved into coding.

“Initiate training sequence, level six.”

A new bot dropped down and advanced more slowly, jabbing experimentally at Keith. Keith sidestepped and batted the staff away with his bayard. He took a swing at the bot, but it blocked with its staff, lashing out with one fist. Keith backed up, sizing the bot up. It seemed to mostly defend its upper body, leaving its legs undefended.

Keith dropped down low, running towards the bot. At the last second, he slid down, swiping one leg out underneath him and slamming it into the bot’s legs. The bot came down as Keith rolled to the side, came up on the bot’s blind side, and stabbed it in the head. It powered down and disintegrated, and Keith got up, breathing heavily.

“Initiate training sequence level seven.”

Xxx

Shiro glanced around the breakfast table. “Anyone seen Keith?”

Lance shook his head, mouth full of pancakes, courtesy of Hunk.

Hunk slid a few more pancakes on the serving plate and shrugged. “No. Maybe he’s sleeping in?”

“I saw him on the training deck,” Pidge offered, “He was fighting a bot.”

Shiro hauled himself out of the seat. “I’ll get him. He probably didn’t realize that the rest of us were up.”

He walked down the hallway and opened up the door to the training deck where Keith was indeed fighting a bot. Shiro watched with a wince as the bot swiped Keith’s legs out from underneath him, sending the red paladin to the ground with an _oof_.

“End training sequence,” Shiro ordered, striding across the deck towards Keith. The bot dissolved, and Shiro offered Keith a hand up. “Getting some early-morning training in?”

Keith took the hand, hauling himself up. “Yeah.”

“Breakfast is on. Go get a shower, and I’ll make sure that Lance doesn’t eat all of the pancakes. What level was the gladiator on?”

“Twelve.”

“Twelve? I’ve only gotten to nine. How’d you do it?”

Keith gave him a wry smile. “Trial and error.” He rubbed his shoulder. “ _Lots_ of error.”

Shiro grinned. “I’d better get moving if I want to keep up.”

Keith gave him a grin back. “Can’t catch me, old timer.”

Shiro wrinkled his nose. “Yeah, sure, you keep telling yourself that. Go get a shower. You smell.”

Xxx

Keith pulled the collar of his shirt down, wincing as he spotted the massive purple bruise that covered his right shoulder and part of his neck and back, too. That had been courtesy of the level eleven bot, which had caught him with its staff. It had had a hard time getting its staff back up into fighting position, and Keith had stabbed it.

Keith probed the bruise gently with a shudder. If he’d been fighting a real enemy with a sword—he’d be minus one arm, and probably dead.

After a quick cold shower, Keith changed into his paladin armor and went down to the dining hall. True to his word, Shiro had saved four pancakes—although Lance was eyeing them like he might just fight Keith to get them. But then, Lance would fight Keith whether there were pancakes on the line or not.

Keith wolfed down the pancakes quickly before Lance could get any ideas, and just in time as Allura glided in, Coran behind her like always. She clapped her hands sharply.

“Paladins, we’ve received a distress signal from a nearby planet—the Galra have not yet conquered the planet, but they hold its queen hostage. Attacks will result in her immediate execution.”

“So we rescue her,” Pidge offered.

“Then we blast the Galra all the way back to their command center!” Lance followed up enthusiastically.

Allura tapped her foot. “Excuse me. I’m not done. Here are the schematics of the place they are keeping her hostage.” A glowing hologram of a building showed up over the table, a small red dot where the queen was. “Also, her children are being kept here.” Another pair of glowing red dots appeared across the building.

Shiro nodded to himself, studying the blueprints carefully. “What are these?” he asked, pointing to a line that went through the walls and ceilings.

“Ventilation shafts,” Allura answered, pulling up a bigger version, “This is their real size.”

Shiro nodded again, studying the shafts. “And these go into the cells?”

“Yes, but they’re locked down with alarms—there’s no way to remove the grate without alerting the Galra.”

Shiro turned to Pidge questioningly, and she nodded. “I can disarm them.”

“Okay. Here’s the plan. Pidge, Keith, you’re going to get into those vents through here.” Shiro pointed to a place outside of the building.

“Just Pidge and Keith?” Allura questioned.

Shiro nodded. “They’re the only ones who will fit in the vents.”

Allura eyed the vents and then each of the paladins in turn. “I think Lance might fit.”

“He’s skinny enough, but he’s too tall,” Shiro explained, “He’ll get stuck going around corners. And Hunk and I are too big. Anyway, Pidge, you rewire the alarms and get the kids in the vents, then Pidge, you bring them out. There’s a forest nearby where we can hide the green lion—just make your way back there. Keith, I need you to get to the queen, and cut your way through.”

Pidge frowned. “But that will set off the alarms.”

“Yes, it will, and the queen is too big to fit in the vents. But at that point, Lance, Hunk and I will all be in the lions. I need Keith to secure the queen, so that the Galra can’t execute her when we attack—hopefully, that will draw the majority of their attention from the vent and Keith will be able to handle the executioners—but the Galra will still be in disarray, unsure of where the enemies are.

Keith, once you can, get through the door—your sword will help you there, too. Make your way here—Pidge, you meet him in your lion and get the queen, the kids and Keith back to the castle.” Shiro indicated a window about a hallway away from the queen’s jail cell. Make sure that Allura and Coran have the queen and her children, then Keith, you get to your lion, we’ll form Voltron and, as Lance said, blast the Galra all the way back to the command center.” Shiro took in a deep breath. “Is everyone okay with this plan? Pidge, Keith, if you feel uncomfortable with this, we can make another plan.”

Keith and Pidge looked at each other and they both shrugged. “Sounds good,” Pidge told him.

“Alright, team. Let’s move.”

Xxx

Keith army-crawled behind Pidge in the shaft, feeling horribly closed in. Then…

“Pidge, I’m stuck,” he whispered. His voice echoed in the vent.

“What?”

“I’m stuck!” he repeated, attempting to wiggle free, “I can’t move!”

Pidge turned around in the vent with some difficulty and examined his shoulders. “I think it’s the shoulder pads of the paladin armor,” she whispered, “Shiro must not have taken them into account when he sized you up. Hold on.” She activated her bayard.

“What are you doing?”

“Cutting off the shoulder pads. It’s okay, the castle can make new ones.”

“What?!”

“Whether or not you have some armor on your shoulder won’t matter if you can’t move through the vents. Hold still.”

Keith smelled the armor burning and coughed. Pidge also looked like she was biting back a cough from the smell, but she gave the shoulder pads a push, and they fell away from Keith. He wriggled further in the tunnels, able to move again.

“Thanks.”

Pidge gave a little salute and awkwardly wriggled around so that she was facing the right way. They came to a vent, and Pidge ripped up paneling around it, playing with wires and connecting them to new places. Then she jammed her bayard into the vent, demolishing it. She caught it just before it fell, and swung herself down. Keith followed.

Two children with silver skin jumped. Keith nearly jumped, too. They had six arms, plus their legs, and eight eyes, like spiders.

“It’s okay,” Pidge said quickly, “We’re with Voltron. Have you heard of Voltron?”

There was a tentative nod from one of them. “Alright. We’re going to get you out of here, okay? And your mom.”

Pidge went back into the vent, and Keith lifted the children up to her. They disappeared into the vents, and Pidge’s whispered “good luck” reached Keith as they scuttled away. Keith hoisted himself back up into the vent and kept crawling, checking the map projecting from his armor when he came to a turn. He peered through a vent and saw the queen, sitting and facing the door.

Keith slammed the vent down, hard, and tumbled into the cell. “Your highness, don’t worry, I’m a paladin of Voltron, I’m here to help you.”

She stood up in a quick, graceful movement. “How?” Despite the danger, her voice was calm, and it had a lilting, soothing quality to it. “The guards will be on their way—they’ll be there any minute—”

An explosion rocked the building and Keith edged his head towards it. “I think they’ll be a little busy with that.”

Her face paled. “They’ll kill me!”

“I won’t let that happen, your majesty. I can fight them off.”

“No—you don’t understand—they aren’t going to do it themselves—”

A hiss sounded, and too late, Keith saw little canisters set up in the corners on the cylinder.

“What’s that?”

“Poison,” the queen whispered, “It’s remote execution.”

Keith yanked his helmet off and tossed it to her. “Put that on, it’ll give you oxygen if you turn the face mask on.”

“What about you?”

Keith pushed the helmet on her head, watching it cover her whole face. “I gave you the helmet just in case. We’re getting out of here. Both of us.”

Keith slammed his sword into the crack between the door and the wall, struggling to lever it open. He was starting to get a little light-headed, but he ignored it, pushing with all of his might on the sword. The queen joined him, and together they pushed it open. Keith held the door.

“Go!”

The queen slid out, and Keith let go of the door, shooting out into the hallway, coughing. That gas _burned_.

“My children—”

“Already safe. This way.”

Keith led her through the halls, until they got to the window. “Okay, out you go,” he told her, opening the window. She climbed through, and then shots made Keith pull his shield up, putting his back to the window. Sentries started to pour towards him, and he kept the shield up to cover the queen, slicing sentries with his bayard.

A hand grabbed him by the collar of his paladin armor, dragging him out of the window and into the waiting jaws of the green lion. It snapped its mouth shut and flew away. The queen smiled at him. She’d been the one to pull him back.

“No unnecessary martyrs, paladin,” she told him in her soothing voice, “You can’t die here.”

“Alright,” Pidge said, piloting the lion up into space, “Let’s get rid of this infestation, once and for all.”

Xxx

Queen Trianna asked that they stay for a few days—insisted, really, after she’d seen the castle’s stores. She wanted to help them resupply and, she said, she wanted to solidify her alliance with them, with official treaties and whatnot. Not because she didn’t trust the paladins, she confided, but to assure the people that she was officially creating an alliance.

Keith wasn’t too pleased about the party thrown, either, but the queen had briskly told them that it was a way to show that they wouldn’t be shaken by the Galra attacks and that they were welcoming the paladins of Voltron onto their planet. She insisted that they stay in her palace, and Allura had been happy to oblige.

Keith, not so much, but at least he fell asleep. He didn’t know how long he was asleep, but when he woke up, the palace was burning. He jumped out of his bed with a yelp, immediately donning his paladin armor and racing through the hallways, opening each door where the other paladins had been and finding roaring flames, and burned bodies.

_No. No, no, no—how—this can’t be—was it a trap? Is that why she was so insistent?!_

Keith opened the last door, Shiro’s door, and to his relief, Shiro wasn’t dead.

“Shiro, we’ve got to get out of here, we’ve got to find the other paladins—”

“It’s alright, Keith,” Shiro said in a dead voice that was somehow his but also Admiral Sanda’s voice, “The fire isn’t real.”

Keith took a step back. “Sh-Shiro?”

Shiro grabbed him and forced him into the flames, holding his head firmly in the fire no matter how Keith struggled and screamed, the flames licking over his face, but never seeming to burn Shiro’s hands, which were made of ice.

“It’s alright,” Shiro repeated, “Say it with me. The fire isn’t real.”

Keith sobbed, but that only got flames in his mouth and scorched his tongue. “Shiro, let me go, let me go, _please_ —”

“Say it, Keith. The fire isn’t real. I’ll let you go if there’s a real fire, Keith. Just trust me. This is what’s best for you.”

And then Shiro’s eyes were snakelike, and a forked tongue slithered out over his teeth. Keith heard a rattle.

“Sssssay it, Keith. The fire isssssn’t real.”

Shiro’s head turned completely into a snake head, and hissing fangs plunged into him, turning to knifes that slid across his skin, exposing his guts to the flames.

Keith screamed.

And woke up, drenched in a cold sweat. The room was fine. Nothing was on fire. He repeated that to himself, one hand on his chest, his heart thumping wildly.

Why did he keep seeing that?! Why did he keep seeing flames, and Shiro, telling him that it wasn’t real? The flames, he could understand, the snakes, yes, and, of course, the knives cutting him open, but _why Shiro_? Why did Shiro keep popping up in his nightmares?

Keith slipped out of bed and wandered out into the cool night air on a sheltered walk with a railing instead of a wall. Keith put his arms on the railing, breathing in deeply. Nothing was on fire. He was safe.

“It feels wonderful out here, doesn’t it?”

Keith jumped. Queen Trianna had slipped up next to him. “Your majesty.”

“I spent so long in that cell… I missed the outdoors, and the fresh breezes. But now…” she took in a deep breath. “Now, I am free to feel the breeze again. It’s calming.” She looked at him curiously. “Trouble sleeping?”

Keith considered lying, but had the feeling that the queen would see right through him. “Yeah,” he admitted.

“Nightmare?”

“Are you actually a mind reader?”

“You don’t get to be a mother of two without being able to tell when someone’s had a nightmare.” Queen Trianna was silent for a moment, breathing in the night air. “Dreams are important things, red paladin. Here we have a belief that nightmares are the first step on the road to recovery.”

Keith barely held back a snort. “With all due respect, your majesty, you’ve never had _my_ nightmares.”

“No,” she admitted, “No one but you can have your nightmares. But that doesn’t mean you have to have them alone.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

She gave him a small smile. “No? Maybe it will someday.”

Keith noticed for the first time that one of the queen’s eight eyes was a milky color, was blind. As if she could hear him thinking about it, the eyelid on that eye closed and opened, giving him a quick wink.

“When monarchs come to the throne, one of our eyes goes blind. But the gift we receive is worth it. With it comes the gift of understanding. When the blind eye falls on a person, we _know_ them. We can see their predominant traits, swirling beneath their skin. Do you know what I see it you?” She paused for a moment, then continued. “You have a noble heart, Keith Kogane. You are frightened, but brave. Strong, and using that strength to overcome weaknesses. You’re caring, deep down, and you hide it with gruffness, but I can see that you want to protect others. But also, you have a deep pit of anger. Sometimes that anger is good, a righteous anger. Other times, it’s a blind wrath.”

“Well, sure,” Keith tried, “You’ve met Lance, right?”

Queen Trianna’s gaze was distant, like her mind was several planets away. “No, it goes beyond your petty squabbles with the blue paladin. It’s a deep rooted anger that comes from something else—a deep, deep current of fear. A feeling of being hunted. Of needing to move, and never stop moving, never settling down. A feeling of abandonment.”

Keith shivered, thinking of Sanda, of his knife, and of his mother.

“But you know what the thing I see most about you is?”

Keith wasn’t sure he wanted to know, but Queen Trianna pressed on.

“I see that you’re broken. That there are pieces inside you, swirling around, whipping up your anger and your fear. It’s not the kind of broken that turns you into a shell—no, you’re broken in a way that you want to be whole again, that you want the pieces to fit together again. You want to be put back together, but you’re scared of that process, and how it might hurt, so you stay broken, rather than let anyone try to help you piece yourself back together.”

“I’m not _broken_!”

“Keith, calm down. Listen to me.” Queen Trianna put a hand on Keith’s hand, and it was a soothing, gentle hand. “Listen. Broken does not mean unfixable. Do you understand? You _can_ fix yourself. You _can_ be put back together. But you need to _try_. You need to _try_ to be fixed. And your nightmares are the first step. Let someone put you back together.”

Keith ripped his hand away, stalking back into the building.

“Remember that, Keith, if nothing else,” Queen Trianna called after him in a quiet but carrying voice, “Broken does not mean unfixable.”


	2. Crack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I promised mild self Harm, and you will get mild self harm.

Keith stared at his bedroom wall, the lights on. He’d had another one, another nightmare that made him wake up with his heart racing. This couldn’t keep happening! He couldn’t keep having nightmares _every night_! He would go insane!”

But how could he stop the nightmares? He had no control over them. They just came. Keith knuckled his forehead. _Stupid_. They weren’t based on reality—Shiro would never betray him, and he certainly wouldn’t leave him to burn. He wouldn’t ever tie Keith down to a table and try to cut him open.

 _You can’t have nightmares if you don’t go to sleep_.

Keith debated the pros and cons of not sleeping. On the one hand, he was sure that it wasn’t healthy, but on the other hand, the nightmares were pretty much keeping him from getting proper sleep anyway.

Keith felt his eyelids begin to droop, and he pinched himself, _hard_. He couldn’t go to sleep. He got up, sprinting down the hallway to wake himself up. As he came to the training deck, he stopped, and ducked inside.

“Initiate training sequence, level thirteen.”

Xxx

Shiro grinned as the lions flew in formation, leaving trails of color behind in the sky because of their speed. He loved this, the freedom that came with flying.

There was a deep yawn, and Shiro frowned. “Keith? You alright?”

“Late night,” the red paladin explained dismissively, “Just a little tired.”

“Aw, does wittle Keef need a nap?” Lance teased in a mock baby voice.

“Says the paladin who has to have ten hours a night for beauty sleep,” Keith snapped.

“No bickering,” Shiro ordered, and the squabbling paladins fell silent. “Much better.”

Once they landed and the other paladins had gone racing for lunch, Shiro approached Keith. “Hey, are you doing okay?”

“I’m fine, Shiro. It was just one late night.”

“Alright. See Coran if you keep having trouble sleeping,” Shiro ordered, “He might have sleeping medication.”

“Yes, sir.”

Keith followed after the other paladins, walking a little stiffly, and Shiro frowned. Keith had never hidden things from him before.

So why did it seem like he was hiding something now?

Xxx

Keith blocked a blow from the gladiator bot and spun to the side. The bot followed his movement, and struck, hitting him on the shoulder—the same place, in fact, that had already been bruised from a previous bot. Keith yelped in pain and his fingers went limp, dropping the sword.

“End training sequence,” he yelped as the bot brought its staff towards his head. It dissolved, and Keith rubbed his injured shoulder. Level fourteen was harder than he’d thought it would be. Or maybe he was just having trouble because of how tired he was.

Keith pinched himself as he felt a wave of exhaustion begin to push his eyelids shut, adding to the tiny mottling of purple bruises that covered his forearm where he’d been pinching himself to keep himself awake. The pain snapped him out of the fuzz of tiredness momentarily, and he walked down towards the infirmary, still rubbing his shoulder.

The infirmary had hot pads, and Keith held one to his shoulder, sighing with relief as the warmth soaked into his shoulder, temporarily easing the pain from the bruise, which he examined in the mirror. It _had_ been fading to a green color, but with the new hit, it had resumed its previous purple hue.

The door opened, and a bleary Shiro padded in, rubbing his eyes. “Urgh—Keith, why are you still up? It’s one-o-clock.”

“Sorry,” Keith whispered, “Had a problem.”

Shiro blinked at him, and started to gently push the hot pad away. “Here, let me see.” He probed the bruise with gentle fingers, but Keith winced and hissed in a breath when he touched the center, which was the tenderest part of the bruise.

“Has this been bothering you lately?”

“Just tonight.”

Shiro shifted the hot pack back onto the bruise and started rummaging through medical cabinets. “I think there’s something…” He pulled out a tube of some paste. “Found it!” He squirted the paste onto his fingers and shifted the hot pack again, dabbing the paste on lightly.

Keith sighed as the pain of the bruise faded. “Wow.”

“It doesn’t work forever,” Shiro warned, handing Keith the now-closed tube, “But it’ll stop the soreness for the night, and you can put some more on in the morning.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem, Keith. Go back to bed, okay? Allura says that we’ll be doing the invisible maze tomorrow.”

Keith made a face. “Lance crashes me into the walls on purpose,” he grumbled, “At least when _I_ did it, it was because he wasn’t paying attention.”

Shiro gave him a grin. “Good night, Keith.”

“G’night, Shiro.”

Keith watched Shiro disappear down the hall, and then made his way back to the training deck. “Initiate training sequence, level fourteen.”

Xxx

“Three steps forward,” Lance instructed.

Keith cautiously took three steps forward and crashed into the wall. “Hey!”

“Sorry, _two_ steps forward and turn right. Your steps were too big.”

“They were not,” Keith grumbled, and turned right, “Okay, how far, since my steps were _apparently_ too big?”

“Four.”

On the third step, Keith crashed into another wall. “Lance!”

“Are you making them bigger on purpose?”

“My steps are the same size!”

“Well, if you say so.”

Coran’s voice crackled over the intercom. “Alright, enough fooling around. If you two can’t take this seriously on your own, I’ll _make_ you take it seriously. Keith, at the end of the maze, there will be a shutoff switch. There’s going to be a gladiator bot down there with you. Lance, you’ll also be able to see the bot on your screen in grey.”

“What?!” Keith protested, “How is this fair?! _Lance_ isn’t going to care that I’ve got a bot after me!”

“Just Listen. Lance, outside of your door is another gladiator bot. It’s going to start hitting the door. The switch outside the maze will turn it off, but if Keith can’t get to it in time, that bot is going to get in, and it will attack you.”

“ _What_?” Lance shrieked.

“You two need to build your trust,” Coran said firmly, “If I have to force you in the interests of self-preservation, then so be it. Plus, Lance, this’ll teach you to keep a calm head under pressure!”

Keith heard something crash into the maze behind him, and he heard thumping and clanging over the coms. “Lance?”

“Turn left, take five steps.”

Keith did, slowly, cautiously, and, to his surprise, didn’t hit into a wall.

“Turn to the left again and go two, then right three.”

Keith moved a little faster as he heard the bot making its way through the mazes. “Okay.”

“Two forward.”

Keith took the steps, and crashed into another wall. “Lance!”

“Mazes aren’t my strong suit, okay?! Turn left, three steps.”

Keith did. No walls. But the bot was getting closer. “Lance, I’m going to have to fight this thing.”

“Are you _insane_?! We’re on a time limit!”

“Yeah, well, it’s going to catch up soon, isn’t it?”

There was quiet as Lance studied the map. “Yeah. Okay. But I think you’re forgetting that you uh, you know, _don’t know where the walls are_?”

“Don’t freak. Just tell me when I’m close to one.”

“Right. Okay. Tell you. While you’re fighting a bot. Okay.”

The bot came around the corner, and Keith took a slice at it, and was quickly blocked. Okay, not a low-level bot, then. It was intelligent enough to block strikes, at least. The bot took a swipe with its staff, and Keith jumped back.

“Keith, watch out, there’s a wall right behind you.”

Keith blocked a blow from the bot, but it pushed him into the wall, stronger than he was. Keith yelped as the wall zapped him, making him shudder. With a massive effort, he pushed it away, but it righted itself, kicking out at Keith. Keith dodged the kick, but it had been a feint—and an obvious one, he realized, his numb mind telling him this information too late. The staff came down on his shoulder, driving him to his knees and making his vision go spotty as his bruised shoulder screamed in protest.

“Keith? Oh, stars, Coran, you’ve got to shut it down, I think Keith’s hurt!”

Keith gritted his teeth and swept his leg under the bot, knocking it down. He stabbed his sword into its chest and pushed himself to his feet, swaying slightly. “Okay. Lance, get me out of here before Coran sets another one loose.”

“Right. Um—hold on, you got turned around, do a one-eighty.”

Keith turned to face the opposite way.

“Okay, turn left, go six paces, then turn left some more and go ten steps.”

Keith pushed himself on, ignoring his burning shoulder and his legs, which were shaky after hitting the electric wall so many times. The banging on the com got louder, and Lance yelped. “Keith, behind you!”

Coran had set another bot in the maze, and Lance’s warning had come just in time. Keith blocked a blow that had been aimed at his head and then ducked to the side and sliced through its arms. The bot dissolved, but the staff was left behind. Keith frowned thoughtfully, bending it slightly and letting it spring back into its natural position. “Lance, am I on the outer edge of the maze?”

“Yeah, you’re facing it, actually, but to get out—”

Keith took a couple of experimental steps backwards, then took a running start and used the staff to vault over the outer wall.

His foot tipped it on the way, and he fell, landing hard on his arm and falling to the ground. He stared at the ceiling for a couple of minutes, dazed.

“Ow…”

“Hey, it worked, you’re out of the maze!” The banging increased, and Lance hissed in. “Keith, would mind maybe shutting this stupid bot down?”

“Right.” Keith pushed himself up and wobbled to the shutoff button, slamming his hand down on it. The banging stopped, and the training deck doors opened, Allura striding through.

“That was excellent! You may not have beat the maze as you were supposed to, but still! Lance, your warning was just in time, you guided him through the maze as best you could, and Keith, what you did was very creative and acceptable due to the time crunch.”

Keith blinked at her. “Thanks?” He rubbed his shoulder. “Whose turn is it now?”

“Lance is going in the maze, and you’re going to lead him out. If you do it right, we won’t set any more bots on you, and once you do, you can all go to lunch.”

“Okay.”

They traded places, and Keith studied the maze, trying to find the way out before he led Lance down any dead ends.

“Right. Two steps forward, then turn to your right.”

Lance obeyed, and Keith continued to study the maze, staring at the glowing maze in front of him. He didn’t realize that he’d glazed off until Lance called his name. “Keith? You still up there?”

Keith shook himself. “Yeah. Sorry. Lost focus. Um, take three steps, then turn to the left and move ten steps.” He continued leading Lance through the maze, and then frowned. “Hold on a sec.”

“That didn’t sound good.”

“You’re fine, I just need to figure out…” Keith stared at the maze. Turning right wouldn’t get him anywhere, and forward would just lead to a wall. So, left, and then what? Three steps maybe, and then…

“Keith? Hey, I’m still in the maze.”

“Sorry. Sorry, uh, left, three steps.”

“You sound like you’re dozing off up there. Everything alright?”

“Yeah. I’m fine. Turn right and go five steps, then—um—hold on.”

“Uh-oh. That bot didn’t get you in the head, did it? Or did you bump your head when you hit the ground?”

“No. I’m fine, Lance. Left seven steps.”

At what seemed an agonizingly slow speed, Keith got Lance out of the maze, then slumped forward, putting his head in his hand. He was so _dizzy_. Staying up was taking its toll, but he couldn’t go to sleep.

“Keith? You coming?”

“Hm?”

“Allura said it’s lunchtime.”

“Right. Go ahead, I’ll be there in a minute.”

Keith knuckled his forehead, trying to push the dizziness away.

 _Get ahold of yourself_.

He didn’t go to lunch. He wasn’t hungry.

Later that night, Keith wandered down to the med bay for more of that goo for his shoulder. He _really_ needed to stop getting hit by the stupid bot. He sat down, pushing the dizzy away again. But he wanted to _sleep_.

He pinched himself awake as his treacherous eyes began to droop shut. But the pinches weren’t working anymore. They weren’t keeping him awake, even if they did give him bruises. He needed something better. The castle didn’t have caffeinated drinks—Allura didn’t even know what caffeine was. Cold water was beyond the point of waking him up for more than a few minutes too, and he was too tired to exercise.

Queen Trianna had told him to talk to someone, to his friends. She’d said he could… what, fix himself?

 _I’m not broken_ , he thought angrily. The queen was wrong. He could deal with this on his own.

Fuzzily, he tried to remember when he’d sworn not to sleep. Two… three days ago? And he was already nearly falling asleep every few seconds? He needed something better, a sharper pain, since the pinching wasn’t working anymore.

Keith wandered back down to his room, his knife glinting at him from its place on his belt. The worn-out wheels in his mind started clicking.

 _A sharper pain_ …

Xxx

The next morning, he sought out Pidge in her room. “Uh—hey, Pidge?”

“I’m over here,” she called, “That’s my trash dummy of Lance.”

Keith blinked, and the image of Pidge disappeared, leaving what did indeed appear to be a trash dummy of Lance. Oh, boy. He nearly walked into a floating puffball and blinked again. It didn’t disappear. “Um. Pidge. Is this thing…”

“Real? Yes. Cute, isn’t it?” Pidge popped up from a pile of blankets where she was curled up with her laptop. “What do you need?”

“Um. I was just wondering… how long can humans go without sleep?”

Pidge tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Eleven days, I think,” she mused, “Of course, that’s just without dying. You can go longer, but you’ll probably blow your brain, go into a coma and die. Eleven days is with a lot of outside help too, I think. Hypothetically, your body will pass out and force you to sleep long before that. Why?”

“Just wondering.”

Pidge blinked owlishly at him, studying him analytically. “You’re looking pale. And you’ve got some pretty deep bags under your eyes. Have you been getting any sleep?”

Keith rubbed his eyes. “Just a couple of late nights.”

“Plus hard training,” Pidge added wryly, “and the constant threat of Zarkon hovering over our heads. Hey, you weren’t at lunch yesterday, how come?”

Keith shrugged. “Just didn’t feel like eating.”

Pidge scrutinized him. “Hm. You better not be getting depressed on us.”

“No. Promise.”

“Go eat breakfast, and then take a nap. You look terrible.”

“Thanks.”

“Don’t make me sic Hunk on you,” Pidge threatened, “Go.”

Keith left, but didn’t go to the kitchen. He went to the training deck.

He wasn’t feeling hungry.


	3. Shatter

“I’m worried about Keith,” Pidge announced to Shiro.

Shiro slammed a gladiator bot in the chest with his glowing purple fist, and it disintegrated. “Oh, good, I’m not completely paranoid.”

“I think he’s not sleeping.”

Shiro wiped a sheen of sweat from his forehead. “Yeah?”

“He was really fuzzy today in training. We were doing the drone exercise, me, Keith and Hunk, and Keith kept faltering. He was really disoriented. Also, yesterday he thought my trash dummy of Lance was me.”

“You have a trash dummy of Lance?”

“Yeah, I have one of you, too.” Pidge ducked her head. “When I’m up late, I get bored. And lonely. And trash dummy Lance listens a lot better than real Lance does. So does trash dummy Keith.”

“And I suppose trash dummy me listens better as well?”

Pidge wrinkled her nose. “No, but he doesn’t try to make me go outside, either.”

“Point taken. But about Keith—”

The alarms started going off, and Allura’s voice came over the speaker.

“They’ve found us again!”

“What about Keith?” Pidge asked, trotting after Shiro as he ran towards the bridge.

“Keith will have to wait. We need to hold them off. Come on!”

They reached the bridge. Hunk and Lance were already there, but Keith was nowhere to be seen. Allura tapped her foot impatiently. “Where _is_ he?”

Xxx

At the moment, the object of Allura’s displeasure was having a face-off in the hallway with a giant squid-looking thing. Squid-looking in the sense that it had tentacles. Otherwise, it looked like a lion, a bear and a giraffe had a child and then glued tentacles to it.

“How did you even get on board?!”

It predictably did not answer except to wave its tentacles around, and Keith ran towards it, slicing his sword at one of its tentacles. It passed through the tentacle as if there was nothing making it up.

And then there was nothing there. Keith rubbed his forehead. “Great. First illusions, now hallucinations. I guess I’m going insane. His arm throbbed, and he gave it a glare. This was stupid. He made his way to the training deck, where Allura was waiting for him with a glare.

“Where have you been?!”

“Sorry. I was at the other end of the castle.”

Keith got into his elevator and went down the zipline, losing his grip halfway down and skidding to the speeder. He winced as he jostled his shoulder but kept going, settling into his seat in the red lion.

“Red lion here,” he called.

“Well, look who finally decided to show up,” Lance grumbled.

“Not the time, Lance,” Shiro scolded, “Keith, I need you to take the right flank, Lance, you go on the left. I’ll go head on, Pidge, Hunk, you cover us. Got it?”

“Got it.”

They flew off, and Keith pushed away his dizziness, soaring through the sky. The red lion gave him strength, and he felt less tired, blasting through Galra fighters and letting the adrenaline surge keep him going. He chased after a particularly tricky fighter, and a sudden blast of blue lasers announced that Pidge had blasted a fighter that had been aiming its guns at him.

“Keith, pay attention!”

“Sorry!”

Hunk took out another one that was getting dangerously close. “Are you okay, man?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, I just…” Keith rubbed his forehead under his helmet. “Having a little trouble focusing.”

“Fall back,” Shiro ordered, “Hunk, you take his spot.”

Keith dropped back next to Pidge, cheeks burning and the cockpit fading in and out of focus. What was _wrong_ with him?!

Xxx

Shiro swooped around a fighter, then spotted the cruiser. “Keith, cover my six, I’m going in.”

Keith didn’t answer.

“Keith?”

Shiro turned the lion around. The red lion was floating out in space, not moving. An easy target. Shiro’s veins turned to ice. He shouldn’t have put off dealing with what was wrong with Keith.

“Something’s wrong with Keith. Hunk, Pidge, Lance, cover me. I’m going to take the red lion in.” He swooped to carry the red lion in Black’s jaws and headed back to the Castle. “Allura, Coran, can you come get him?”

“Negative,” Coran answered, “We’re under fire. I’ll take down a hole in the barrier for you.”

The barrier opened enough for the lion to fit in and quickly closed behind him. Shiro flew back into the hangar and set the red lion down, jumping out of his lion and running for the red lion’s jaws.

Keith was in his pilot’s chair, his head lolling to the side. Shiro checked his pulse and let out a sigh of relief. He was alive. But what was wrong with him?!

Shiro picked Keith up and started towards the med bay. He heard the Castle making a wormhole jump, and Coran was there when he reached the medbay, scanning Keith for injuries as Shiro set him down on a medical cot.

“Nothing major—at least, the scanner’s not picking up anything.” Coran rolled up the left arm of Keith’s flightsuit, and Shiro hissed in a breath. It was mottled purple and green by bruises, contrasted by bright slashes of red from a dozen small cuts. Coran was examining them with a frown.

“These cuts weren’t inflicted within the last few hours—they should have sealed by now and scabbed over, but they’re still bleeding a little. Same for the bruises. They should have faded. These are minor injuries, nothing that would cause him to pass out.” Coran shook his head. “His body is tired—exhausted, really. He must not have been sleeping for the last few days, so he hasn’t been able to heal properly. The best thing he can do is rest. Sleep. He’ll be right as rain after that.”

“You’re sure?”

“Positive, Shiro. You should take him back to his room. It’s more comfortable there.” Coran smeared a medical goo on the cuts. “That’ll help.”

Shiro scooped Keith back up and walked out the door where an anxious bunch of paladins were waiting for him. “Is he going to be okay?”

Shiro gave them a tired smile. “He’ll be fine. He’s just fatigued. Excuse me.”

They parted and let him take Keith to his room. All of the movement must have jostled him awake, because he blinked in confusion at Shiro. “Wherg?” he questioned.

“We’re in the castle, bud. You need to get some sleep. Your body is exhausted and can’t keep going.”

“No!”

Shiro was surprised by Keith’s sudden vehemence. “What?”

“No, I can’t go to sleep!” Weak fingers latched onto Shiro’s arms as Shiro set him down in bed. “Don’t make me go to sleep, please!” he begged.

“Keith, it’s not healthy for you to stay awake like this. You need sleep.”

“No, I can’t, I can’t sleep, because that’s when I’m on fire, and when you don’t care, only when I’m asleep, please, you can’t make me!” Keith’s purple, exhausted eyes brimmed with tears. “Please, Shiro, don’t let me go to sleep.”

Shiro stopped. “What do you mean?”

“I can’t,” Keith gasped, even though his eyes were drooping shut. He screwed his eyes shut and rammed his head into the wall, again and again. “No. No, no, nonononono!”

Shiro caught Keith by the shoulders, holding him back, even as he struggled. “Coran!” he yelled.

“Let me go, don’t let me go to sleep, please, Shiro!” Keith thrashed. “Shiro, please!”

Coran came in. “Shiro? What’s wrong?”

“Shiro, please, I don’t want to sleep, I—I can’t sleep, please, Shiro, don’t let me!” Keith’s struggles were getting weaker, but Shiro didn’t dare let him go.

Coran disappeared and returned with a syringe. “It’s not sedative,” he said defensively at Shiro’s horrified look, “It’s just a shot of melatonin.” He knelt on the bed next to Keith. “Keith? Look, this is going to make you feel better, okay?”

Keith’s eyes fixed on the needle. “It’ll—it’ll make sure I don’t have to sleep?” he hiccupped.

“It’ll make sure you can recover,” Coran told him evasively, “But if you don’t want to use it, I won’t. Do you want me to give it to you?”

Keith nodded, looking away as Coran gave him the shot. He yawned. “Shiro… I don’t… want… to sleep… The nightmares… I want…”

But Shiro didn’t hear what he wanted, because Keith had dropped off. “That was fast acting,” Shiro said accusatively to Coran as he settled Keith more comfortably into the bed.

“He was on the brink of collapse anyway,” Coran said wearily, looking like he might like to take a nap himself, “He didn’t need much to push him over.”

Shiro ran a hand through his bangs. “He’s having nightmares about the toxin,” he said quickly, “He’s been having nightmares about everything that he saw, and he hasn’t been sleeping because he didn’t want to have nightmares.”

“You can’t know—”

“He said that his nightmare was where he was on fire and I don’t care that he’s on fire! He’s seeing whatever he’s forgotten, and…” a wave of guilt swept over Shiro. “I should have known.”

“There was no way for you to know.”

“I should have figured, then. I shouldn’t have thought that he could escape something traumatizing like that with nothing but some feelings of betrayal!”

“Shiro. You can’t blame yourself for this. Please. Just let him sleep.”

“Will the shot prevent him from having dreams?”

“I’m afraid not. Mostly it’ll just do its best to put him through a proper sleeping cycle, which will mean nightmares after a bit.”

“How long?”

“At best? One and a half vargas.”

“ _Can_ he wake up with that shot?”

“By the ancients, Shiro, I did _not_ sedate him! It simply makes sleeping easier!”

“Alright. I believe you. Any possible side effects?”

Coran shrugged. “Assuming I used a correct dosage, which I’m absolutely certain I did, the only effects might be more vivid dreams.”

“More vivid dreams? You mean more vivid nightmares?”

“Well… potentially, yes.”

“I’m staying here with him.”

“If you want.”

Coran left, and Shiro was alone with Keith, who was breathing slowly and evenly. Shiro rubbed his temples.

“All this because of a stupid sheep.”

Shiro must have dozed off, because when he looked up, the stars were different, and Keith was shifting restlessly, sweat beading his forehead.

“Keith?”

Keith’s hands clenched and unclenched, his breathing ragged. Shiro bent over him. “Keith?”

Keith’s eyes shot open, and he sat straight up, smacking into Shiro. “Ow!”

Shiro reeled back, holding his nose, stars dancing in front of his head. _Stars,_ Keith had a hard head.

“Shiro, I’m so sorry, are you okay?!” Keith’s voice was still muddled and confused, but the horror on his face was clear.

“Yeah. I’m fine.” Shiro rubbed his nose. “Are you?”

Keith drew his knees to his chest. “Y-Yeah.”

“Keith?”

“I’m sorry, Shiro, I don’t know why I keep having these nightmares, and I know you wouldn’t betray me, but I just… I’m sorry! Queen Trianna said I should talk to someone about it, but I didn’t want to bother you, and it’s stupid, because—because—”

“Whoa, hey, Keith. Keith, it’s okay.” Shiro opened his arms. “C’mere.” Keith cautiously leaned into the hug, and Shiro gave him a squeeze. “Hey. Tell me what’s wrong.”

Keith shuddered. “I just—I’ve been having these nightmares, these nightmares where everything is burning, and you… you just stand there, not burning, and you watch me burn, telling me that the fire isn’t real, and sometimes you turn into Sanda, or you turn into snakes, and you just… watch. Or push me in.” Keith started to shake. “I don’t know why, and I’m sorry, and—I can’t go to sleep, because every time I do, it happens. And I think—I don’t know—maybe if I just knew _why_ I keep having these dreams they wouldn’t be so bad, but…”

Shiro felt sick. “I know.”

“Wh-What?”

“I know why you keep having these dreams. I’m sorry. I was glad you didn’t remember, and I thought there was no harm done and I didn’t want to tell you, but I know why you’re having these nightmares.”

“What are you saying, Shiro? You know? How? Why?”

“When you were under the Yemae toxin…” Shiro released a shaky breath. “When you were under the toxin, you saw and felt that you were on fire. And you asked me to let you go, because you were burning. And… And I told you that the fire wasn’t real. And I didn’t let you go.”

Keith shuddered. “Oh.”

“Keith, I’m sorry, I’m sorry for making you feel so alone and helpless and for disappearing in the middle—I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you, I should have, but I was scared… I was scared you wouldn’t trust me anymore if you remembered. I realize I’ve broken your trust by _not_ telling you, but—”

“Shiro—Shiro, stop. Please.”

Shiro stopped.

Keith pulled back from the hug, running one hand through his bangs. “I—I didn’t know.”

“I know, I should have told you—”

“No, Shiro, that’s not what I mean. I—I didn’t know how much seeing me under the toxin hurt you.”

“Stars, Keith, I think it hurt _you_ more.”

Keith thought about that. “Yeah. I guess so. But I… I know you wouldn’t betray me, or hurt me, or leave me to burn if there was a real fire. And now I know why my dreams keep telling me that you would. And… well… I guess, now I know why I’m having the nightmares. I mean, it doesn’t make them better, but maybe… maybe now that I know about… yeah. Well, now I know, maybe they won’t keep happening all of the time. Maybe it’ll just be sometimes.” Keith looked down at his feet. “It’s probably too much to hope for that they’ll go away completely, right?”

“Probably,” Shiro agreed.

“Right. Well. That’s okay.”

“Really?”

“No,” Keith admitted, “I’d really like it if they went away forever. But they won’t.”

“Keith, about the whole turning-into-Sanda thing—”

“Not ready.”

“Okay. That’s fine.”

“But—um—Shiro—” Keith looked up at him, eyes holding a question. “well, I—I was staying up all night. So that I wouldn’t have nightmares. That’s why I was getting so good at the gladiator bots. Because that’s what I did all night.”

“Bruised shoulder?”

“Bruised shoulder. But. Um. I—I don’t want to do that when I have nightmares. Not anymore.”

Shiro saw what he was edging around and gave him a small smile. “You can come talk to me. If you have another one.”

“Oh. Um. Really? Because, you know, if it’s the middle of the night, and you’re asleep—”

“You wake me up,” Shiro ordered.

“Okay. It’s just… I wake up, and they seem so… real.”

“I understand.”

“You do?”

Shiro nodded. “I do. And, you know, your lion might be able to help.”

“Red? I don’t know…”

“Red will. Really. You’re bonded. Just ask.”

Keith yawned. “Yeah. Okay.” He pinched himself. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to start falling asleep.”

“Is that where all the bruises came from? Pinching yourself?”

“Y-Yeah.”

“And the cuts?”

Keith shiftily avoided his gaze. “My knife.”

“You were cutting yourself?”

“More like poking myself. It wasn’t—Shiro, it was just to stay awake. Promise.”

“I believe you. Just… don’t do it anymore.”

“Okay.” Keith’s eyelids were drooping shut, and Shiro gave him one more quick hug.

“You go to sleep, okay?”

“Shiro, do you think, maybe… maybe you could stay?”

A small smile crept over Shiro’s face. “You mean like a sleepover?”

“ _No_. Sleepovers are for _girls_.”

“Don’t let Pidge hear you say that. Besides, guys have sleepovers too.”

“Yeah, but we don’t _call_ them that.”

“Fine, we’ll have a very manly hangout at the end of which we will both fall asleep. Better?”

“Better.”

“Alright, let me go get my blankets. I’ll be right back.”

Shiro left, chuckling to himself. On his way back, he encountered Pidge, Hunk and Lance, who eyed his blankets curiously.

“Okay,” Lance said slowly, “We can figure this out. Keith is… very cold?”

“You’re having a sleepover,” Pidge guessed.

“Pidge is right,” Shiro told Lance.

Hunk blinked in an offended way. “And you didn’t invite us?”

“Um—well—”

“It’ll be great team bonding,” Lance said quickly, “Guys, go get your stuff, we’re having a sleepover!”

Before Shiro could stop them, they’d all gone stampeding to their rooms and grabbed their own pillows, blankets, pajamas, and lion slippers. Then they all marched to Keith’s room. Keith was already asleep.

“Awwwww,” Hunk said happily, “He’s so adorable!”

The brief thought of what Keith would say if he knew that Hunk had said he looked _adorable_ made Shiro grin.

“He’s pretty cute when he’s asleep,” Pidge agreed.

Lance rubbed his hands together gleefully. “Alright! Let’s go find a space-sharpie and—”

“No!” Pidge and Hunk whisper-yelled, tackling him to the ground.

A scuffle ensued, full of “Sh”’s and “You’ll wake him up”’s and quiet yelps. Keith shifted in his sleep, and everyone froze, looking at him anxiously, but he settled back down with a contented sigh, and the fight broke out again when Lance accidentally elbowed Pidge while trying to squeeze out from under Hunk. Shiro nudged the three wrestling paladins apart, and they flopped on the floor, breathless.

“Pidge fights dirty,” Lance complained in a whisper.

“I’m small, I have to!” she shot back.

“Alright, anyone who can’t stay quiet has to leave,” Shiro ordered.

They all settled down, exaggerating exactly how quiet they could be as they snuggled into their blankets. Lance and Pidge both decided to use Hunk as a pillow instead of the pillows they’d brought, and they were asleep not much later. Shiro grinned, settling down himself as Hunk began to snore.

He wondered how Keith would react when he woke up to find that the other paladins had invaded his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TIL that if you hit a black hole just right, you can go through it. Don't know when or where I'll use this information, but you can bet your Keith cosplay boots I'm gonna.

**Author's Note:**

> Procrastinating writing other things? Now why on Earth would I be doing that? :)


End file.
